Forgiveness: An Elul Treat

Many feel that the three hardest words to say, in any language are: “I am sorry.” Yet, we all know how very important those words are. Indeed, a person saying they are sorry, or at least admitting their guilt, is a critical part of the process of teshuvah, repentance.

Equally important, however, is the ability to hear someone else’s apology and to accept it. Even greater is the ability to forgo an apology altogether, and simply forgive the person for hurting you. Jewish tradition teaches that a person is only obligated to ask for forgiveness three times. After three refusals, the person is no longer held accountable for their misconduct, as he/she has demonstrated true regret. Those who do not accept a sincere apology after three requests for forgiveness, are now guilty of bearing a grudge.

What is wrong with bearing a grudge against a person who really hurt you? Beyond the fact that it is a violation of a Torah prohibition (Leviticus 19:18), bearing a grudge affects the person psychologically. People who bear grudges are, in general, less happy with the world and with other people because they cannot get past the feeling that they were wronged.

Forgiveness, on the other hand, is rather easy to bestow. And when it is done with sincerity, it is as much a gift to ourselves as it is to the person we forgive.